


Better of without me (or not)

by renjunult



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Overthinking, Self-Indulgent, They're both stupid tbh, i don't want to spoil too much in here, juyeon seems like a jerk but he's not trust me, there's an overuse of cursive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29165682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunult/pseuds/renjunult
Summary: Hyunjae doesn’t know when they started falling apart. He wants to bring it up to Juyeon, but he doesn’t know how. Not when the worst case scenario has already been drifting through his mind for a while, not letting him sleep and distracting him from his daily life.Juyeon doesn’t want me anymore.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon, Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon, moonbae if you squint - Relationship, sunric if you really squint
Comments: 17
Kudos: 101





	Better of without me (or not)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, it’s been a while. I’m back with something entirely different. I decided to challenge myself: write the angstiest thing you can. I must admit it’s not as angsty as I wanted it to be – I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to writing angst TT. Either way, I hope some of you enjoy this first attempt at angst – I tried. Get ready for some ~ light ~ angst and overly used cursive.
> 
> As always, I apologize in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language and I don’t have anyone proofreading this for me.

“I feel like I’m actually making a difference, you know? Like I’m doing something for the greater good. That probably sounds stupid, we’re literally nowhere yet with the formula, don’t mind me dreaming.”

Sangyeon lets out a small laugh but Hyunjae is already shaking his head until he realizes they’re on the phone so his brother can’t see him.

“Ah hyung don’t be like that, of course you’re doing something good! You’ve always wanted to help people and what better way to do so by developing possibly life-changing medication? It’s bound to take some time to perfect but there’s nothing wrong with being excited.”

Sangyeon had always been the type of person to want to help people. Many thought he’d study medicine, but after careful consideration he decided to go for biomedical sciences. Although it surprised some, Hyunjae always thought it was perfect for him. And now he’s working for a medicine developing lab. Even though he graduated just a few months ago, he’s already part of an important project.

“I guess you’re right. Thanks for always cheering me up, little brother.” Although Hyunjae huffs at the nickname, grumbling out something about not being little anymore, he can hear the smile on Sangyeon’s face. “But let’s talk about you for a second! How does it feel being in your final year?”

Hyunjae smiles and starts telling his brother about everything he’s missed. Sangyeon lives quite far away now so they mostly communicate through phone calls. They haven’t seen each other once since the academic year started. Although it’s only October, Hyunjae is used to talking to his brother a lot so he definitely missed him.

“Hyunjoon and I are literally so similar, it’s crazy! I really want to help him through his first year, you know? Although film and photography are different, he’s taking a few classes I took as well.”

Sangyeon already knows who Hyunjoon is. Hyunjae met him at the very beginning of the academic year when the film and photography department organized a big event for first years to meet all the older students. Hyunjae is a photography major and already in his final year, but he immediately got along with the young and ambitious first year film production major.

“Sounds like you’re getting along well indeed, I can’t wait to meet him.” Hyunjae starts smiling, already knowing both will get along well. “How’s Juyeon? I really need to visit soon, I haven’t seen him in forever.”

Ah. Juyeon. Hyunjae blinks, realizing his long-term boyfriend had not once crossed his mind once during his conversation with Sangyeon, even though they’ve already been on the phone for close to an hour. He starts feeling bad for reasons he can’t decipher but Sangyeon pulls him out of his thoughts.

“Hyunjae? You okay?” His brother sounds concerned and Hyunjae quickly composes himself before replying.

“Yeah, sorry, I was distracted. Juyeon’s good, college is keeping him quite busy these days and he’s dancing more to de-stress.” Although Hyunjae tries to keep his excitement up, his brother knows him too well. There’s a beat of silence before he speaks.

“Is everything okay with you two? You sound… I don’t know, off.”

Thinking about whether or not everything is ‘okay’ between Juyeon and him has Hyunjae feeling anxious, again for reasons he can’t decipher, but he pushes the unwanted feeling away as quickly as it appeared.

“Everything’s fine hyung, we’re all just a bit busy is all. Speaking of which, I should get going. Talk to you next week!” Hyunjae ends to conversation lightly and hopes his brother believes him. Even over the phone, he knows Sangyeon doesn’t, at least not completely, but for now he lets it go as he says goodbye as well.

-

Hyunjae doesn’t know when they started falling apart. He always thought of Juyeon as his soulmate – if a thing like soulmates were to exist. After pining after him for God knows how long and mustering up the courage to finally ask him out, he felt like the luckiest person on earth.

Years later and he’s still as in love as he was at first – maybe even more. Every single day he’s more and more convinced they’re meant to be.

From what Juyeon always tells him, he feels the same way. At least he did until the start of this year of college.

Juyeon started distancing himself from him, texting him less and less and being too busy to hang out a little too often.

Hyunjae doesn’t know what happened. He’s desperate, reaching out to Juyeon whenever he can which – not because of his own free will – is less often than he’d like. Being in his final year and wanting to help Hyunjoon out as much as he can, he finds himself being quite busy as well. Yet he tries to reach out to Juyeon as soon as he has a free moment, however Juyeon happens to be busy himself almost every single time.

After texting Juyeon today, offering to take him to one of his favorite restaurants close to campus in order to relax and catch up – they haven’t really _talked_ in almost three weeks – but getting a reply back apologizing and saying he was too busy working on a project with Changmin, he almost throws his phone at the wall.

Had this been the first time it happened, Hyunjae wouldn’t be as frustrated, but he can’t even count how many times Juyeon has served him with some kind of reason to not be able to meet up with him.

He misses Juyeon. A lot.

They usually spend quite some time together, mostly just hanging around in either of their dorms or occasionally going to a restaurant to enjoy some good food. They tend to have spontaneous dates as well, which reminds him of one of his favorite dates with Juyeon – climbing the nearest hill, some food in their backpacks, and eating it under the stars.

Hyunjae realizes they haven’t been on a spontaneous date in months. And since the start of this year in college, they haven’t been on a simple date more than once.

He wants to bring it up to Juyeon, but he doesn’t know how. Not when the worst case scenario has already been drifting through his mind for a while, not letting him sleep and distracting him from his daily life.

_Juyeon doesn’t want me anymore_.

No matter how hard he tries to eliminate that thought, he can’t help but think it – _fear_ it.

He doesn’t miss how Juyeon tends to go to Changmin these days whenever he’s feeling worried or stressed. It’s what Juyeon told him himself, on a rare night when they were alone, eating takeout like they usually do – or well, used to do.

He knows he should be happy that Changmin is such a great friend to Juyeon, but he can’t help but feel replaced. Juyeon would always come to him with everything, and Hyunjae would always be there to listen, to reason with him, trying to make him feel better.

But Juyeon hasn’t talked to him about his worries once this year. Hyunjae knows it’s not because he doesn’t have any worries anymore – if anything, he has way more of them – it’s because he goes to Changmin instead.

Although he finds it hard to admit, he’s also worried that Juyeon goes to Changmin about other things. About him. About their relationship.

What if Juyeon really is reconsidering their relationship? Then _surely_ he’d want to talk to someone about it other than the person he’s in the relationship with. _Surely_ he wouldn’t want to talk to Chanhee since he’s also Hyunjae’s friend. So _surely_ he’d talk to Changmin, someone who knows him but isn’t that close with him.

A weird feeling creeps up and spreads through his entire body. He feels _so_ – he doesn’t know what to call it. He doesn’t want to lose Juyeon, what they have. He _can’t_. Juyeon is his everything.

He feels the pressure build up behind his eyes and he curses internally. He will not cry. Not tonight. Not when all of this is purely inside his head. The only fact is that Juyeon is busy.

Too busy for _him_.

No. He won’t think of it anymore. They’re fine. Juyeon will come back to him once he’s less busy. It’s not like they’re not talking, they text pretty much daily.

Although Juyeon more often than not takes hours to reply.

They’re fine.

-

Younghoon and Chanhee are happily chatting, laughing as they tell Hyunjae and Juyeon a random story of something that happened at their apartment.

“And I swear I’m not exaggerating when I say he was almost crying,” Chanhee laughs loudly, covering his face with his hand as he pokes Younghoon cheek. The other is slightly pouting, pulling away from Chanhee in obviously fake dismay.

“It’s not like you weren’t scared either,” he mumbles, and Chanhee just cackles louder. “At least I wasn’t screaming like a little kid with tears in my eyes.”

Hyunjae can’t help but laugh as well. Typical Younghoon, easily startled by the smallest things.

Younghoon keeps pouting and Chanhee seems to have had enough of teasing his boyfriend. “Don’t be upset you big baby, it was cute,” he coos, tone still slightly teasing but fond as hell.

“So the bed just broke like that, while we were sleeping! Can you believe it? What kind of bed breaks while sleeping? It’s what it’s made for,” Younghoon huffs.

“I mean it’s not like we used the bed for sleeping alone, we actually-”

“And I’m going to stop you right there, Chanhee, we don’t need the details!”, Hyunjae says loudly, interrupting the other who just smirks.

Younghoon has a blush on his cheeks when Chanhee speaks. “Well maybe you do want to hear this: the new bed is absolutely amazing! It’s sturdy and no matter what you do on it, it doesn’t even feel shaky. Even when-”

Chanhee is interrupted by Younghoon’s hand on his mouth and Hyunjae silently thanks his friend for doing what was necessary. “I think you’ve made your point,” he says, letting his hand fall from Chanhee’s mouth while the other just smirks again.

“I’m just saying, I’d recommend it. You could write it down or something, you know, for when you guys move in together.” He wiggles his eyebrows at him and Juyeon. “I feel like you two would definitely need a sturdy bed-”

“Okay, thank you! We’ll remember it! Please just stop talking now,” Hyunjae says loudly, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence. Chanhee and Younghoon start laughing and Hyunjae joins them.

When he looks at Juyeon however, the other is only slightly laughing, but Hyunjae can tell the laughter is not really reaching his eyes.

The others seem to have noticed as well because Chanhee suddenly directs his attention at Juyeon.

“Oh no, did I not convince you? Should I give you some more details?”, he says, tone mischievous. Both Younghoon and Hyunjae are ready to shut him up, but Juyeon beats them to it.

“God no, please never give me details about your activities involving beds ever again.”

It’s enough to have them laughing again, Juyeon laughing a bit harder this time.

“I’m just being a good friend, recommending my best friends a good bed,” Chanhee sighs dramatically, falling into Younghoon’s side. “May I remind you, sleeping is very important, thus having a good bed is essential.”

Hyunjae huffs as Younghoon strokes Chanhee’s hair while nodding sympathetically. _Could he be any more whipped?_ Hyunjae thinks.

“Yeah, thanks,” Juyeon snorts, “It’s kind of early though, remind us again once we actually move in together.”

Chanhee perks up at that, eyebrows raised and questioning.

“Well it’s not _that_ early is it? It takes a lot of time, especially while still in college, so if you want to move after Hyunjae’s graduation you should probably start looking for places and furniture already. Take it from someone who’s been through it all.”

Hyunjae is about to assure Chanhee that they’ll make sure to start looking on time when Juyeon speaks.

“It might be a bit later than that, so I guess we still have plenty of time.”

Hyunjae’s head snaps towards Juyeon who’s still looking at Chanhee, whose face reads confusion. Hyunjae doesn’t blame him. _He_ is confused as well. What does Juyeon mean? _It might be later than that_? They’ve never talked about this. He can’t believe this is the first he’s hearing about this, right in front of their best friends.

“What? Haven’t you been saying you were going to do it right after Hyunjae’s graduation?”, Chanhee voices Hyunjae’s exact thoughts. The mood suddenly turns serious, Younghoon also straightening up and tilting his head at Hyunjae in confusion and concern.

“I know, I’m just saying it’s not fixed or anything”, Juyeon shrugs – he fucking shrugs, as if they’re talking about food or something, when they’re in fact talking about their future together.

It becomes silent after that. Hyunjae is still looking in at Juyeon – looking for an explanation, something, _anything_ – but he refuses to look at him. He doesn’t know what to say, but he can feel Younghoon’s heavy gaze on him and he can’t do this right now.

So he changes the subject, hoping the others will just leave it alone – which they do – but the pit in his stomach doesn’t leave for the rest of the night.

-

It’s no surprise that Younghoon texts him, saying he wants to talk, not too long after Hyunjae gets to his dorm. Juyeon went straight back to his dorm, saying something about having to work on a project. He acted so normally, as if he hadn’t spilled some big revelation about apparently not wanting to move in together right after graduation.

Hyunjae didn’t miss the lack of physical contact as they parted ways.

He sighs but decides it may be good to talk to Younghoon. He’s known him the longest and he knows him the best – maybe even better than Juyeon. Soon enough, his best friend is knocking on his door.

“Hey,” he greets him softly, closing the door behind him.

Hyunjae just smiles, but even he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes.

Younghoon sits down next to him and waits, knowing Hyunjae well enough to know he will talk whenever he’s ready.

“It was the first I heard of it, but I think that was quite obvious,” he huffs eventually, but he can’t keep the sadness out of his voice.

His best friend just sighs and pats his knee in comfort. “Chanhee and I were shocked too. Especially Chanhee. Juyeon usually tells him everything.”

He doesn’t know if that’s supposed to make him feel better or worse. He knows Juyeon usually goes to Chanhee, they’re best friends after all. But knowing he didn’t go to Chanhee with this makes Hyunjae wonder. Did Juyeon just say it out of the blue? Or is it something he has been thinking about for a while?

“I just- why would he just say it so casually in front of all of us? He was acting like it was the most normal thing in the world when- we- I-”

His mind doesn’t know what to think or say. He feels confused, maybe even hurt, but most of all he feels that annoying pit in his stomach he’s been feeling for a while whenever he thinks about him and Juyeon.

“When was the last time you talked about moving in together?”, Younghoon softly asks, still patting his knee.

Hyunjae snorts, almost chuckles, before he runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

“A better question would be ‘When was the last time we talked?’”

Younghoon frowns at that. He switches from patting his knee to stroking his shoulders and back, seeing the distress radiating from Hyunjae.

“I swear, I don’t _know_ \- he’s been acting so differently lately, we barely talk, barely _see_ each other, and I don’t-”

His voice breaks and damn it, he does not want to cry right now. So he stops talking, takes a deep breath and finally looks at Younghoon.

“I don’t know,” he finishes tiredly.

“I think you should talk to him. Really talk to him. You’re only suffering more like this, probably assuming all kinds of things in your head. Talk to him, Hyunjae.”

He knows his best friend is right, but he’s scared. Scared of Juyeon’s answer. Scared of his assumptions being right.

But he nods, smiling and letting Younghoon hug him tightly as he fights back his tears once again.

-

Hyunjae and Juyeon have known each other since middle school. Both of them, along with Younghoon and Chanhee, have always been best friends. Well actually, Younghoon and Hyunjae were best friends since childhood. But when Younghoon befriended Chanhee, who lived in the same neighborhood as him, he quickly got to know Juyeon, Chanhee’s best friend. And just like that, the four of them started hanging out.

Somewhere during high school, Younghoon and Chanhee started dating. Although it did cause quite the change in dynamics, the four of them remained best friends. Hyunjae and Juyeon often found themselves gagging and making fun of the disgustingly cute couple. The two of them got closer and near the end of high school, they started dating as well. This to Chanhee’s delight, who cheerfully said they could go now on double dates.

Now that they’re all in college, both couples are still going strong. Or well, that’s what it looks like to everyone. Hyunjae has been feeling off in his relationship with Juyeon for a little while now. He can’t place it exactly, but he feels like they’re falling apart. Since the beginning of this academic year, the two of them have barely seen each other alone.

Juyeon is in his third year as a business administration major. His parents have quite high expectations of him so he’s feeling pressured, but Hyunjae feels assured. Juyeon is one of the smartest people he knows. Juyeon has always worked hard, but this year seems to be the hardest one yet. Hyunjae knows it’s stressing him out.

Hyunjae is in his final year as a photography major. During the summer, he interned at a magazine and at the end of his internship, they had let him know that they would be interested in hiring him once he graduated. This forced Hyunjae to start thinking about his future. A future that definitely includes Juyeon. Although right now Hyunjae isn’t sure anymore whether Juyeon’s future still includes him.

Younghoon’s right, he does need to talk to Juyeon.

-

Talking to Juyeon happens sooner than expected. Hyunjae doesn’t even remember how the conversation started, but right now he stays silent, face serious and expression unreadable.

“So you’re saying you _don’t_ want to live with me?” He looks up at Juyeon with a hard face, waiting for his reply.

“Don’t take words out of my mouth,” Juyeon sighs, “I’m saying I _do_ want to live with you, I’d just rather wait until I’m graduated myself.”

Hyunjae simply nods, letting his mind drift off. Just a few months ago, Juyeon had been saying how excited he was to finally live together. Currently, both of them live in the college dorms and they each have a roommate – Jacob is Hyunjae’s and Changmin is Juyeon’s. But with Hyunjae graduating, they could find a place for themselves and Juyeon could finish his final year in college living together with Hyunjae.

He would like to say the switch in Juyeon surprises him, but he would be lying to himself.

“A few months ago you had a different opinion”, is all he says. At that, Juyeon gives him a frustrated look and Hyunjae can’t help but feel anger bubbling up inside of him. Juyeon is the one distancing himself, so he has no right to be frustrated.

“Opinions can change,” he shrugs, and the nonchalance makes Hyunjae all the more angry.

“Not this kind of opinion, Juyeon. Not your opinion of your future with me.” Juyeon looks up sharply and Hyunjae can see the anger in his eyes.

“What are you talking about? I do want a future with you, I _just_ said that I do want to live with you. I don’t see the big deal about postponing it for a year?” Juyeon is starting to raise his voice, something he rarely does at Hyunjae and Hyunjae feels like he’s about to throw up. He doesn’t want to fight, but he _needs_ to understand what Juyeon is thinking.

“Big deal? I will have to live somewhere for a year and it would be a hassle to just find a place for one year to then switch to a bigger place for both of us after that. And you know I can’t afford a place for two for a year alone.” Hyunjae tries to keep his voice steady, but he can’t help the slight shake in his voice at the end.

“Really? A hassle? We would be looking for a place for the two of us together, so it’s not like you’d have to do all of that alone.”

Juyeon looks even more pissed now, and Hyunjae wants to cry because he’s not used to really fighting with Juyeon. Sure, he had felt the other distancing himself from his for a while now, but he hasn’t _fought_ with him since then.

“Why do you even want to stay at the dorm anyways? What changed your mind?” _Are you scared of being bound to me?_ Hyunjae’s mind supplies pathetically, but he doesn’t say it out lout.

“I told you, it’s just easier for classes and-”, but Juyeon cuts himself off, eyes looking away.

“And what, Juyeon?” Hyunjae asks shakily, all types of answers flooding his head. _I’m scared to fully commit to you. I might not want to live with you._ What he doesn’t expect is the next thing that comes out of Juyeon’s mouth.

“I feel bad leaving Changmin.”

_Oh_.

He’s speaking again before Hyunjae can reply.

“You know I help him quite a lot with the subjects we share and he helps me de-stress by dancing with me.”

Hyunjae can only think one thing. _Changmin is more important to Juyeon than I am_. He feels the pressure building behind his eyes and he needs to get away.

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.” And with that, he walks out of Juyeon’s dorm without looking back, silently hoping for Juyeon to call him back in which – _of course_ – never happens.

-

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that,” Jacob says while stroking Hyunjae’s back.

He had walked into his dorm and immediately started crying, startling his poor roommate. After sobbing for a good while, he’s now laying with his head on Jacob’s lap while the other is patting his back softly. He told him about the conversation with Juyeon, adding his final thought about how he thinks Juyeon prioritizes Changmin over him.

“He’s been distancing himself from me for months, he could very well mean it like that.” Hyunjae’s voice comes out stuffy and he tears are still slowly falling out of his eyes. “I just- I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him but I feel like he-”, he sniffs, more tears falling and his heart breaking at the thought, “like he doesn’t want me.”

Jacob keeps stroking his back softly, letting Hyunjae cry silently. Only after a moment, he finally speaks.

“I understand that that’s what you’re feeling right now, but it’s all just an assumption at this point. You’ve been together for so long and I know he cares deeply for you, so my advice would be to try to talk to him again, this time less heated. Honestly, I feel like he’ll be the one to approach you first once he realizes how it sounded.”

Hyunjae lets his roommate’s words sink in, trying to follow the same reasoning. He decides that he’s cried enough for now so he gets up from Jacob’s lap, but not before giving him a quick hug. “Thank you for talking some sense into me, you’re probably right,” he adds sincerely, at which Jacob smiles sympathetically.

He tries to be positive, deciding he’ll wait for Juyeon to approach him, but he can’t help the pit in his stomach when thinking about the possibility of his assumptions being right.

Usually, when they have an argument, they’ll make up before the day is over. But tonight, time keeps ticking away and Hyunjae’s phone remains silent. So for the first time in their nearly four-year long relationship, Hyunjae goes to sleep with the unsettling feeling of the lingering fight, phone with sound on next to his head, still hoping for that call or text from Juyeon which never comes.

-

Hyunjae sees Juyeon standing in the doorway of his dorm when Jacob walks outside. He starts panicking slightly, not expecting the other to show up so quickly. He had just told Jacob about Juyeon’s text, so his roommate offered to leave the dorm so Juyeon could come over and talk.

Hyunjae had sent his reply quickly, but now he’s realizing he might not be ready for this conversation. A thousand thoughts are running through his head – Juyeon’s text pretty much just said _Can we talk?_ and Hyunjae is scared of what Juyeon will say.

Taking a deep breath, he tries to think of what Jacob told him last night when the door closes softly. It’s now or never.

He looks up, seeing Juyeon stand awkwardly by the door. _When did they get like this?_ He can’t help but think that they’ve grown apart to the point where they can barely look at each other. Not once has a fight between them lead to this. But then again, this might be the worst fight they’ve ever had.

“You can sit down,” Hyunjae says. His voice breaks and he curses internally at how broken he sounds. Juyeon looks at him and Hyunjae sees pain in his eyes before the other sits down across him, on Jacob’s bed.

They sit like that for a while, Hyunjae on his bed, Juyeon on Jacob’s bed. Hyunjae wonders if Juyeon will ever speak.

“I wanted to apologize, I just- I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me raising my voice at you”, Juyeon eventually says, voice small and fragile, but eyes on Hyunjae, although he avoids the elder’s eyes.

Hyunjae nods and clears his throat. “It’s okay,” he says softly, “I just want to know- I mean, what you said…” He trails off, unsure of how to asks Juyeon if he meant what he said.

“I know what I said, and I know what you’re probably thinking. I want you to know that I do want to be with you, I’ve always wanted to be with you.”

Juyeon sounds so sincere, and Hyunjae wants to just throw himself at him and hug him tightly, but he knows Juyeon isn’t done talking yet.

“I’m certain of that and I’m certain I want to live with you, it’s just- I think I’m scared? Not of being with you forever, but of the change, I guess. It’s a big step- to live together I mean. I just feel like maybe we shouldn’t go through such a big thing while I start my final year of college, which is also a big thing. But after that, I’m one-hundred percent committed to living with you, without all the worries about college.”

Hyunjae lets it sink in. It makes sense, and he feels bad for not realizing it sooner. In the back of his mind, he thinks about how this information is entirely new. He wonders why Juyeon didn’t talk to him about this in the first place. But the most important thing to Hyunjae is that the knows and understands now.

“I never thought about that, but I get it. It definitely is a big step, and I shouldn’t have assumed that it would be ‘no big deal’ for you.” He looks at Juyeon while he says it, face apologetic, but Juyeon is already shaking his head.

“Please don’t feel bad, I should’ve communicated with you better,” Juyeon frowns. At that, Hyunjae just reaches his hand out to Juyeon who hesitantly gets up and walks over to his bed.

“The important thing is that you communicated well now. Thank you for telling me.” He squeezes Juyeon’s hand in the hope of reassuring him.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I never wanted to do that.” Hyunjae just smiles. “I know, Juyeonie.” He wraps his arm around Juyeon who immediately hugs him back tightly.

“I love you”, Juyeon mumbles into his neck. Hyunjae hums. “I love you too.”

_Everything will be okay… Right?_

-

He doesn’t have time to overthink his relationship with Juyeon as exams are approaching. It’s the end of November and he if he thought he barely saw Juyeon before, he definitely doesn’t see him at all now. It’s understandable really, they’re both studying hard, both feeling the pressure – Hyunjae because it’s his final year, Juyeon because, well, he’s Juyeon.

Even if Hyunjae wanted to worry about where Juyeon and him stand right now, exams are taking up all of his time. He doesn’t get to see Juyeon once during the actual exams and he has to admit, as he’s plopping down on his bed after his final exam, that he misses the younger.

He also can’t help the pit in his stomach. He just wants everything to be okay between him and Juyeon, but the other distancing himself from him has him reaching his toll. He decides to talk about it with the one person he’s been the closest with these last few weeks.

“I’m afraid of… I don’t know, of rejection?” He confides in Hyunjoon that night while they’re having a dinner feast – basically consisting of greasy fast food – as a reward for how hard they’ve studied.

“How can he reject you when you’re already dating?” Hyunjoon rolls his eyes and Hyunjae slaps his arm, causing the other to yelp and rub his arm dramatically.

“You know what I mean, brat”, he retorts, but the anxiety starts bubbling in his chest at the thought. Juyeon _could_ reject him, at least a future with him.

Sighing, Hyunjoon seems to realize Hyunjae is near desperation and close to having a meltdown because of the whole situation.

“I do, but I feel like you’re rushing it. He was busy studying, just like us, right? And you said he’s been feeling extra pressured this year, so that probably explains why he was so absent during exams.”

Hyunjae lets out a groan, throwing himself onto his side on the bed. “It makes sense, but it’s not just that, it’s- he- we’re falling apart,” he whispers the last part, almost afraid of saying it out loud. “I can feel it, Hyunjoon, I’m losing him.”

Hyunjoon gives him a look full of pity and Hyunjae almost bursts out crying. He sounds pathetic, but he knows he needs _someone_ to talk to about this, and right now it feels right talking to Hyunjoon.

“Hyung-”, Hyunjoon hesitates, clearly trying to find the right thing to say. Hyunjae almost feels bad coming to the younger with all his worries. He’s three years younger, and here he is trying to give Hyunjae relationship advice when Hyunjae is the one with the most experience on the field.

_Pathetic_.

“I feel like you should talk to him once his exams are over. You said you haven’t talked much since talking out that fight, right? It seems to me like you need a good conversation with him, but comfortably.”

Hyunjae knows the other is right, knows he will have to talk to Juyeon, but he just feels so _anxious_ about it. Since when did he start dreading a conversation with Juyeon?

“I know and I will, I’ll talk to him. It’s just- he used to come to me, you know? When he felt pressured or stressed with exams or just anything, he’d always come to me and I’d always be there for him. I don’t know why- I wonder why he doesn’t anymore.”

Hyunjae can feel himself tearing up and he hates how vulnerable he looks in front of his dongsaeng who he’s supposed to lead. But the words are out of his mouth before he knows it and it’s the harsh truth. He just wants to know _why_. Why does Juyeon not feel like he can come to Hyunjae anymore? Since when did Hyunjae stop being a pillar for Juyeon to lean on?

“Maybe he didn’t want to bother you with it? I know what you’re thinking – you’d never be bothered by Juyeon. But he might think differently. He knows you’re feeling pressured in your final year as well. So maybe he didn’t want to add to that. Either way, it’s something you’re going to have to talk about. I’m sure his intentions aren’t bad, hyung. Anyone can see how much he cares about your relationship.”

Somehow, those words manage to make Hyunjae feel a little bit more at ease. Hyunjoon’s probably right. Juyeon wouldn’t do anything to purposefully hurt him.

Not wanting to cry in front of his friend, he just gives him a fond look, ruffling his head as he tells him he’s so grown up already. Hyunjoon scrunches his face up and slaps his hand away, and just like that the subject changes.

Hyunjae is distracted for the rest of the night, glad not to be stressing out constantly over Juyeon.

He ignores the bubbling anxiety that returns once Hyunjoon is gone. He’s gotten used to it anyways.

-

Hyunjae can’t keep still. Juyeon had his last exam yesterday and while he texted him a short ‘Good luck’ and got a just as short ‘Thank you’ back, it’s not the same as having an actual conversation and he feels anxious waiting for Juyeon to reach out.

_He will reach out, right? Of course he will_ , his mind tries to assures itself, although it’s not really working.

After letting out his nth sigh, Jacob stops in his tracks and turns to him. “Hyunjae… Maybe it’d be good to distract yourself? You can always join Kevin and I for ramen?”

Snorting, Hyunjae is already shaking his head. “And be your third wheel? No thanks,” he replies, but his heart feels full knowing Jacob cares so much about him he’d actually let him crash his date with Kevin.

Seeing as Jacob is about to protest, he quickly starts talking again, tone softer now. “Don’t worry about me, Cob, I’ll be fine. Just enjoy your date with Kevin, you deserve it.”

Jacob gives him a genuine smile and Hyunjae can feel the excitement radiating from his friend. What kind of friend would he be if he were to disturb their well-deserved date to celebrate the end of exams?

“Alright, but please don’t just sit here letting your mind wonder to places it shouldn’t. Maybe call Younghoon? I’m sure he misses you, although he’ll never admit it out loud,” Jacob chuckles, and Hyunjae can’t help but laugh as well.

“I just might do that. Now go, don’t keep Kevin waiting for too long!” He ushers Jacob out the door and the other’s laughter rings in the now empty dorm.

He’s alone again.

Sighing – again – he decides Jacob is right. Just sitting here, waiting, is not doing his mind any good. He’s about to text Younghoon when his phone pings with a new message. He smirks, thinking it might be Younghoon who definitely did _not_ miss him, and looks at the notification. His breath gets caught in his throat and he almost chokes when he sees who the notification is from.

It’s a simple text. ‘Takeout at mine?’ is all it reads. It really doesn’t need any more explanation. It’s their tradition after all.

Ever since middle school, once Younghoon and Chanhee had started dating leaving Hyunjae and Juyeon alone on their date nights, they’ve been doing their ‘takeout nights’. It’s self-explanatory – they just order some takeout, most of the time chicken since it’s Hyunjae’s favorite, and just talk.

Hyunjae realizes this will only be the second time since the start of his final year that they’ll be doing this. They used to do it almost weekly. _Yet another sign of Juyeon distancing himself_.

He shakes his head, trying not to think negatively as he types out a reply, hands shaking and heart beating so fast it might pop out of his chest.

‘Sure, I’ll come over at 7?’ is what he replies. Not even a second later, he already gets a reply back. ‘Perfect.’

Taking a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart, he looks at the time on his phone. Seeing that it’s already 6, his eyes widen and he jumps up.

His heart doesn’t stop beating rapidly as he gets ready. He feels giddy somehow, happy that Juyeon reached out to him and proposed their long-standing tradition. However, he feels more and more nervous by the second, anticipation their first real conversation since making up from their first big fight.

-

It’s exactly 6:58 when Hyunjae arrives at Juyeon’s dorm. He doesn’t want to knock just yet, feeling stupid for being early, but he considers he’d look even more stupid just standing outside of Juyeon’s dorm like this.

So he knocks. He hears a faint _Come in_ – it’s very clearly Juyeon’s voice – and he takes a deep breath before shyly opening the door.

He’s hit with the smell of fried chicken – his favorite – as he spots Juyeon setting up the takeout at the small table in his dorm. Hyunjae unconsciously smiles at the gesture. Of course Juyeon would order his favorite.

After closing the door behind him, Juyeon looks up and stays by the table. He looks unsure, nervous even, and Hyunjae feels partially relieved that he’s not the only one feeling so.

“Hey,” he says, trying to break the slight awkwardness when Juyeon just keeps looking at him without saying a word. That seems to break Juyeon out of whatever it was that went on in his head.

“Hey,” he echoes, voice small, yet he takes a gentle step towards Hyunjae. “I missed you,” he adds, and Hyunjae melts. His instinct tells him to open his arms for Juyeon, so he does exactly that.

Juyeon’s eyes sparkle as he smiles, and he walks over to Hyunjae more confidently before practically falling into his arms, almost making Hyunjae stumble.

Hyunjae’s arms wrap around the other immediately, who hugs him back just as tightly. “Me too,” he says, although it comes out more like a whisper.

After a few seconds – too quickly for Hyunjae’s liking – Juyeon steps back and gestures to the table.

“I’m going to guess chicken is good for you?” There’s a small smirk playing on his face as he asks, and Hyunjae just chuckles. “More than good.”

The first few minutes, they eat in silence. It’s not uncomfortable – it never is. They enjoy their food in silence, it has always been like that. Hyunjae feels himself calm down from the initial nervousness, the comfort of Juyeon he missed so much making his body fill with relief.

They finish the food in no time – which is no surprise really – and Hyunjae’s content after eating the food is quickly replaced with nerves again.

“How were your exams? I hope you weren’t too stressed,” Hyunjae decides to break the silence. Juyeon shrugs, but Hyunjae can see the worry on his face even though he tries to hide it.

“I think it went fine. Don’t worry, I wasn’t more stressed than normally. Plus I studied with Changmin a lot, he made sure I took enough breaks.”

Hyunjae feels an ugly emotion at the mention of Changmin. _I could’ve done that for you too_ , he thinks. But he doesn’t say anything, instead he tries to make Juyeon feel more at ease, sensing the other’s stress when thinking about the exams.

“I’m sure everything went fine, Juyeon. Just try to relax for the time being, hm?” Juyeon gives him a tired smile at that, and Hyunjae’s heart almost breaks. He feels guilty for not having been there for Juyeon often enough – which is partially because Juyeon never reached out to him during exams and apparently had regular study sessions with Changmin, but he decides to ignore that fact – so he voices his regret.

“No hyung, don’t feel bad, I know you were stressed as well. Honestly I should be sorry for not checking up on you more, I’m sorry, I should’ve-”

Hyunjae breaks him off by placing his hand on Juyeon’s and firmly shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. We were both stressed, but we got through it and that’s the most important thing.”

Juyeon just nods and stares at their hands touching. Hyunjae is about to pull away when Juyeon turns his own hand around and interlaces their fingers.

Warmth spreads through his entire body, starting from his fingers – the ones intertwined with Juyeon’s – as he squeezes Juyeon’s hand lightly.

“Hyung, I-”, Juyeon starts, but he cuts himself off, seemingly losing the confidence to continue.

“What is it, Juyeonie?”, Hyunjae says softly, the nickname slipping out but making Juyeon’s ear slightly red.

“We’re okay… Right?”

Hyunjae blinks, shock evident on his face. Well that was definitely not what he was expecting.

“Of course were are. At least to me we are. Why would you think we wouldn’t be?”

He doesn’t mean to sound accusing, but it’s already too late as Juyeon slightly flinches and tries to pull his hand away. Hyunjae however holds on tightly, not letting the other slip away.

“I don’t know, I just- ever since our fight… I don’t know”, he finishes tiredly, eyes avoiding Hyunjae’s. It makes Hyunjae soften. At least he knows he’s not the only one worried after their fight.

“Juyeonie, I- you don’t have to be worried. I know it was tough, but we talked it out, didn’t we? We’re okay now, baby.”

Hyunjae tries to push his own worries down as deep as he can, determined to make Juyeon believe everything is fine. Because everything _is_ fine. They’re fine. They’re okay. It was just a stupid fight.

_I feel bad leaving Changmin_.

He internally curses at himself for thinking of their fight again. Of course he has not been able to let it all go. He still feels like Juyeon is scrambling back from a future with him.

But that’s _his_ problem. Not Juyeon’s. He’ll figure it out himself, because he knows it’s all in his head anyways. He has nothing to worry about when it comes to Juyeon.

Except for making sure Juyeon feels okay right now.

“We’re okay.” Hyunjae almost misses it because Juyeon’s voice is so quiet. He firmly nods and squeezes the other’s hand once more.

The look Juyeon gives him makes him believe the other believes it.

Hyunjae too will keep telling himself that – however long it takes for him to believe it as well.

-

Spending Christmas and New Year’s together gave Hyunjae a sprinkle of hope. Juyeon had actually looked happy with him and he thought that – _finally_ – Juyeon and him were okay again.

That all shattered as soon as classes started back up again and Juyeon went back to pretty much ignoring him.

He finds himself hanging out with Hyunjoon every time Juyeon tells him he’s too busy. He doesn’t miss how the other seems to always have time to hang out with Changmin.

‘Sorry, I already promised Changmin we’d go dancing.’

‘Ah I can’t tonight, Changmin and I were going to study together.’

‘I think I’ll be pretty busy all week to be honest, that project with Changmin is a really big part of our grade so…’

Hyunjae is tired. He doesn’t want to go through the same thing as last semester and decides he needs to talk to Juyeon about this. So he texts the other, telling him they really need to talk and that it’s important, hoping Juyeon will understand the urgency and reply to him faster this time.

His tactic seems to work as Juyeon replies within five minutes – a record time looking at the last couple of months – telling him he’ll come over immediately.

This time, Hyunjae won’t pretend everything is okay as quickly as he did the last few times they’ve talked. He realizes he’s been letting the topic go every single time, hoping things were just going to fall back into place, but they never did.

The knock on his door comes sooner than expected and Hyunjae feels like Juyeon might have jogged over. When he opens the door and sees Juyeon in a slightly disheveled state, he thinks he might be right.

He doesn’t say anything as he steps aside to let Juyeon in. Juyeon looks nervous, quickly catching onto the seriousness radiating off of Hyunjae and hanging in the air.

“You sounded serious in your text,” Juyeon says when Hyunjae stays silent, back turned towards him. Hyunjae just nods and finally turns around to face him once he’s figured out what to say.

“I know. But I think I’m not the only who feels like we need to talk,” he replies, proud for being able to keep his voice steady.

Juyeon visibly gulps at that and looks down guiltily. “You’re right…” Hyunjae waits for Juyeon to continue as he can’t help but hope just a little bit that Juyeon will just tell him whatever is wrong himself so they can make up.

But when Juyeon stays silent and keeps his eyes trained to the floor, Hyunjae sighs. Guess he’ll have to do the talking then.

“I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of months now… We barely talk or hang out anymore – hell I don’t think we’ve been on more than two dates. I just… I feel like we’re growing apart or something.”

He watches Juyeon for a reaction, but the other still won’t look at him. He thinks he sees his shoulders drop slightly, but other than that, he stays silent. Getting frustrated, he walks over to and lifts his head up.

“What’s going on with you? You can’t- you won’t even _look_ at me.”

Hyunjae’s chest constricts as he feels the hurt spreading through his body. Juyeon’s eyes look tired and even slightly empty. Hyunjae almost shivers.

“I understand, hyung, it’s okay.”

_What?_

Juyeon’s voice is soft, almost comforting, and Hyunjae wants to scream.

“What do you mean ‘it’s okay’? It’s not okay. We are not okay, Juyeon,” he can’t keep the frustration out of his tone and he sees the other’s eyes sadden.

“I know we’re not, that’s- I’m trying to tell you I understand that you want it to end.”

Hyunjae’s heart drops. He couldn’t possibly mean…

“End what?”, he whispers.

And then Juyeon _smiles_ – he actually smiles – and replies.

“Us.”

Hyunjae stumbles back, knees almost buckling, but he manages to stay standing – although barely.

_Us_.

The word echoes in Hyunjae’s mind. He didn’t think his heart could hurt even more than it already did. This was not at all where he wanted the conversation to go.

Why would Juyeon think he wants to break up? And more importantly, why is Juyeon so… okay with it?

Hyunjae feels like he can’t breathe. This cannot be happening. He’s not losing Juyeon right now. All he wanted was to clear things up so they could move forward and continue being happy.

Is Juyeon not happy with him?

“You want to break up,” he eventually says – whispers – and this time his voice does waver.

He’s not even looking at Juyeon right now so he doesn’t see the expression on the other’s face when he replies.

“I- You do, don’t you? I’m saying I’m okay with it, I understand. I won’t hold you back.”

Suddenly, Hyunjae feels angry. He feels like he’s being broken up with. The one person he loves the most in this world, the one person he trusts the most in this world – his everything – is breaking up with him.

Yet Juyeon is acting like _he’s_ the one breaking up with him?

“What the fuck do you mean, Juyeon?”, his voice harsh as he finally looks up at Juyeon, eyes watering. Juyeon looks at him with a shocked look but doesn’t say or do anything.

“Wha-”

“I never said I wanted to break up. I don’t want to break up. I don’t understand- just- why would you even think that?”

He feels the first tears falling down, emotions getting the best of him. Juyeon looks like he wants to talk but Hyunjae cuts him off, anger and most of all pain taking over him.

“But you clearly wouldn’t mind breaking up,” he spits out, chuckling emptily. “You’re not even going to try to fight for us- after everything? You’re just- you just want to break up like this.”

He wipes at his eyes angrily. He doesn’t mean to be so harsh but he just wants to _understand_ – why is Juyeon acting like this?

“What the- I never said that? It’s just- like you said, we’ve been growing apart, so I thought maybe you’ve realized we don’t belong together after all. That’s why I said what I said.”

He can see Juyeon starting to get frustrated as well. Who does he think he is? He’s the one who started this, and now he’s getting frustrated – why, because Hyunjae just said he doesn’t want to break up?

“Not once in my life have I thought that. I can’t believe you’d think I’d want to be apart from you, seriously? When have I ever given you that impression?”

Juyeon scoffs and gives him an unimpressed look. “Really?”, is all he says, and Hyunjae can’t stop his anger anymore.

“Seriously? You’re the one who’s been distancing himself from me all year and you’re trying to tell me it’s my fault or something?” Hyunjae is aware he’s raising his voice, but he can’t even bring himself to care anymore.

“I did that because of you! Because you found someone better!”

Hyunjae stills.

“What the fuck are you implying?”, he spits out.

Juyeon shakes his head. “You know who I mean.”

The way he says it – as if Hyunjae has been actively pursuing someone else, or worse, has been cheating on Juyeon – makes Hyunjae’s blood boil.

“I fucking don’t, Juyeon. I’ve never done-”

“Hyunjoon!”, Juyeon suddenly yells at him. “I mean Hyunjoon,” he says, more calmly this time, breathing harshly and tugging at his hair.

“What the fuck, Juyeon? You know Hyunjoon is my friend! Why would you even think we’re- I don’t know what you think we’re doing but we’re just friends! You know this!”

“Well I don’t know! All you can talk about it Hyunjoon this, Hyunjoon that, the only person you seem to hang out with is Hyunjoon – how would I know!”

“Are you seriously accusing me of cheating? You really think I’m that kind of person?”, Hyunjae speaks calmly, but his anger is evident front the way his voice is wavering.

Most of all, he feels betrayed. He thought Juyeon knew him better than anyone. He would never cheat. Hell, he’s made it clear to Juyeon that he’s the only one for him on so many occasions. After everything – he can’t believe Juyeon would accuse him of cheating.

“I’m not accusing you, I don’t- look it doesn’t matter,” Juyeon chuckles darkly, “You’re probably not doing anything with him now but maybe you should. You fit together well.”

_What the fuck_ , he thinks. He says it out loud as well.

“Never – and I mean _never_ , not a single time in all the four years we’ve been together, have I thought of _anyone_ else but you. I never wanted – I never will want anyone other than _you_.”

He’s crying – again – this time not even trying to stop it. Although Juyeon seems conflicted, almost like he wants to come over and comfort him, he shakes his head and stays where he is.

“Maybe you should. Maybe I should too,” he adds the last part in a whisper.

“You… Do you want to be with someone else?”, Hyunjae whispers back, voice sounding hoarse as the tears keep streaming down his face.

“What if I do? What if we’re both just better off without each other?”

Hyunjae feels as if his heart is physically breaking. He knows it’s impossible, but it damn well feels that way. He wants to scream that he loves Juyeon – he loves him so much it _hurts_. But Juyeon pretty much just told him he’d be better off without Hyunjae.

“Do you really think that?”

He doesn’t know why he even asks when the answer is clear, both from what Juyeon has been saying and from the look the other gives him.

“I just want you to be happy, hyung. I- goodbye.”

Hyunjae wants to pull Juyeon back, hit him, punch him, scream at him that _he’s_ the one that makes him happy.

But Juyeon is already closing the door and Hyunjae is left alone in his dorm with the realization that the love of his life just ended their story for good.

-

To say Hyunjae is a mess after their break-up would be an understatement. His hope of Juyeon reaching out to apologize for accusing him of cheating goes unanswered. After a few weeks of pitying himself he decides he’s won’t let this ruin his final year at college. He needs to focus on his future, whether it’s with Juyeon or without him.

Although his heart still hurts every time he thinks about the other and all he feels is longing when he happens to see him from afar, he pushes those feelings away as much as he can. It’s not like Juyeon longs for him anyways.

When he runs into Youngjae – Juyeon’s little brother who he absolutely adores – and his boyfriend Sunwoo, he tries to act as cheerful as he always does. Youngjae – though clearly saddened by their break-up – doesn’t mention Juyeon once and Hyunjae almost thinks he can act normal. Almost. But he sees so much of Juyeon in Youngjae, so he makes peace with the fact that he probably won’t be seeing the younger of the two as often anymore. He hugs im just a little more tightly when they part ways.

He hangs out more with Hyunjoon, finding him a great distraction who doesn’t look at him with pity like Younghoon or Chanhee. And before he knows it, he’s graduated. He actually did it, and he couldn’t be more proud of himself.

Both Younghoon and him proudly accept their diplomas and might have let out a tear as they congratulated each other. Hyunjae manages not to run into Juyeon – which is probably Chanhee’s doing but it doesn’t even matter – he’s ready to go into the world with his photography diploma.

Sangyeon looks like the proudest brother and Hyunjae, for the first time in months, feels genuinely happy.

-

“Want to go for lunch together, hyung?” Haknyeon’s cheerful voice automatically brings a smile onto Hyunjae’s face and he nods, smiling up from his desk where he was editing pictures.

“Sure! The usual, right?” Haknyeon only grins and that’s all Hyunjae needs for an answer before they’re off into the cold February air to their favorite samgyeopsal place close to work.

Hyunjae has been working for the magazine he interned at last summer for a few months now. Haknyeon started as a part-time intern around the same time as him. The younger is a second year journalism student, and surprisingly goes to the same college Hyunjae went to. Both were glad to have another newbie there and they hit it off surprisingly well.

“So they kept a whole paragraph that I wrote! I can’t believe a few sentences I wrote are actually being published, I should totally get credited.” Hyunjae laughs at the other’s excitement and ruffles his hair.

“Don’t let your ego get too big yet,” he jokes, earning a glare from the younger.

“Shut up and just compliment me”, he huffs. Hyunjae laughs and makes an appreciative sound.

“Of course, you’re amazingly ta- oh wait you told me to shut up so I guess I can’t compliment you.” This earns him a slap and he acts affronted.

“Hey, I’m still your hyung!” All Haknyeon does is stick his tongue out at him. What a respectful dongsaeng.

-

When Hyunjae gets home he barely has the time to take a rest. Younghoon and Chanhee had been adamant about getting together as soon as possible, only telling him it’s important and that it can’t wait. So he changes into a different outfit before he’s off to the restaurant Younghoon booked for them.

When he arrives, the couple is already sitting at the table, obviously holding hands under the table. Hyunjae rolls his eyes good-heartedly but smiles anyways.

“Okay, so are you going to tell me what was so important that it couldn’t wait until the weekend?”, he asks as soon as he sits down.

Chanhee just rolls his eyes. “Have some patience, we’re going to have a drink first and then maybe we’ll tell you.”

Hyunjae knows he’s joking about the maybe part, but he still huffs and looks at Younghoon for help. But Younghoon just shrugs and gives him look telling him Chanhee’s in charge when it comes to this one.

Once their drinks arrive, Chanhee raises his glass and proposes a toast. Hyunjae is feeling giddy, the atmosphere filled with something he can’t explain. All he knows is that he’s about to hear something big.

“I would like to make a toast to myself,” he starts and Hyunjae scoffs, making Chanhee glare at him.

“As I was saying – I would like to make a toast to myself, because I consider myself the luckiest man in the world with this one right here.” Chanhee nods his head towards Younghoon at that, and Younghoon just looks at him fondly.

“And I am the happiest person alive right now because I know we’ll have a lifetime together.” As those words come out of his mouth, he lifts his left hand and all but shoves it into Hyunjae’s face. Hyunjae wants to push the hand away, but that’s when his eyes finally catch it.

The ring.

On Chanhee’s ring finger.

“No way”, he whispers. He tears his eyes away from the beautiful ring – Younghoon really went all out for this – to look at the couple. They’re both wearing the stupidest grins on their faces but they look so incredibly happy and Hyunjae can’t help but break into an equally wide grin.

“No way!”, he says, louder this time. “You’re engaged? You’re actually engaged!” He definitely caught the attention of some other people in the restaurant be he can’t bring himself to face.

“Yes, we sure are,” Younghoon answers, excitement clear in his voice.

“You’re getting married – my best friends are getting married,” Hyunjae pretends to pink away a tear, but deep down he does kind of feel like crying.

If anyone is meant to be together forever, it would be Younghoon and Chanhee.

“I have to say this surprises me, but I’m so, so happy for you. You deserve all the happiness.” His tone is sincere and he knows from the smile on his friends’ faces that they can feel his sincerity as well.

“Yeah, I was surprised too,” Chanhee says, blushing as Younghoon laughs and elaborates.

“I mean, I’ve been certain about this for so long, so I thought ‘What’s the point in waiting?’”

Hyunjae smiles knowingly, remembers Younghoon confessing his everlasting love for Chanhee a few years back. Even though a couple of drinks had been involved, Hyunjae could feel the seriousness and determination in his voice.

The happy atmosphere continues to last during their meal and Hyunjae contently eats his dessert at the end.

“We actually have something else to tell you,” Younghoon interrupts the comfortable silence. Hyunjae makes a sound of acknowledgement and waits for him to continue.

“We’re throwing an engagement party, you know to tell everyone who needs to know-” “-and because it’s fun”, Chanhee adds, making Younghoon giggle.

“Yes, that too – anyways you’re obviously invited as well. It’s going to be next Saturday,” Younghoon finishes.

“I’ll be there,” Hyunjae says without hesitation. Younghoon and Chanhee smile but give each other a look. It looks like they’re communicating through their eyes – well, they probably are. Hyunjae raises his eyebrows at them.

“What?”, he questions. Younghoon just looks at him apologetically and he has _that_ look of pity in his eyes – and Hyunjae _knows_.

“We feel like you should now – well, _he_ will be there”, Chanhee says slowly, carefully. He doesn’t need to say his name, Hyunjae _knows_.

“You don’t have to keep walking on eggshells when it comes to him,” Hyunjae rolls his eyes. “I can be in the same room as him.”

He pretends that he doesn’t care. He pretends that the thought of seeing him again doesn’t make his heart skip.

“We just wanted to make sure, Hyunjae,” Younghoon says kindly and Hyunjae can’t take _that_ look any longer. So he changes the subject.

“Come on guys, I’m fine. Let’s focus on you, you’re the ones who got engaged! Now let me see that ring again”.

Just like that, the conversation diverts from _him_ , and Hyunjae forces the thought of seeing _his_ smile away deep, deep down – again. He pretends that he doesn’t feel anything.

He’s gotten really good at pretending.

-

“Stop stressing yourself out, you’ll be fine. Just ignore him if you’re that worried. Keep yourself busy with other people.”

Hyunjae huffs loudly, making sure Hyunjoon can hear him over the phone. He’s getting ready for the engagement party, going over his outfit one more time. Chanhee had made it clear he expected him to be well-dressed. So here he is, in a somewhat fancy dress shirt with lace details – he knows Chanhee will approve of that – paired with simple skinny black jeans.

The anxious feeling has been brooming in his stomach since the announcement of the engagement party and he can’t help but feel extremely nervous at the thought of seeing Juyeon again. That’s the reason why he called Hyunjoon in the hopes of him being able to calm him down slightly.

It’s safe to say that it’s not working.

“I can’t just ignore him, that would make me look like such an asshole. Plus I’m mature enough for a confrontation.” He’s half talking to Hyunjoon, half convincing himself. So far he’s not convinced, and neither is Hyunjoon.

“Please, I’ve been watching you suffer because of him for months now. You and I both know you’re not over him. I just want you to be careful, okay? He was a dick to you, don’t just let him back in.”

Hyunjae sighs, thankful that his friend is so concerned about him. He knows Hyunjoon isn’t very fond of Juyeon, having seen Hyunjae at his lowest after the break-up. But he’s also frustrated because he would want nothing more than to let Juyeon back in. Hell, he would get back together with him in a second if that’s what Juyeon wants.

“I know and I won’t just let him back in, trust me, I know he hurt me. But I’m curious, you know? How he’s doing, what he’s up to, I just- if I see him I’ll talk to him.”

“If that’s what you want then fine, but please, don’t go running to him, let him come to you.” Hyunjoon’s tone is firm.

“You’re supposed to make me fell less nervous, not lecture me like you’re my mother”, Hyunjae scoffs.

“Don’t act like you don’t need to hear this.”

Hyunjoon then goes on to talk about something else, easily changing the topic and Hyunjae is thankful. He can use the distraction, but deep down he knows that nothing will be able to stop him from thinking about Juyeon.

-

Hyunjae shows up at the party when it’s already pretty packed. He has no idea if Juyeon is already there, but when Chanhee opens the door, the first thing he sees is how crowded the place is.

“Finally!”, Chanhee says as a greeting. He eyes him over before giving him a short nod. “You look good,” he hums. Hyunjae rolls his eyes.

“Thanks, can I enter now?” Chanhee just laughs and steps aside, letting him in.

“Help yourself! Drinks are over there and food is just about everywhere. Have fun!” The younger is gone before Hyunjae can say another word to him. He just sighs and grabs himself a drink before looking around to see if there’s anyone he knows.

Almost immediately he spots Changmin. He’s surprised to see him there – to his knowledge he’s not that close to either Younghoon or Chanhee – but when he sees who’s next to him, he understands.

Juyeon.

Hyunjae’s heart skips when he sees him. He looks _so_ good. His outfit is simple but it’s so _him_.

Then his heart starts feeling heavy.

_He came with Changmin_.

They’re laughing as they’re both holding a drink. They look… cozy.

_Are they together?_

He can’t help the thought from going through his mind.

He doesn’t realize he’s staring until Juyeon looks around and locks eyes with him. He sees the younger’s eyes widen as they keep staring at each other.

It’s Hyunjae who breaks eye contact first, embarrassed that he was caught staring. He’s supposed to be stronger than this.

When he looks up again Juyeon is walking up to him.

_Shit_.

What’s he supposed to do? What’s he supposed to say? He doesn’t have time to think about anything because Juyeon is already standing in front of him.

“Hey,” he says softly, looking nervous and avoiding eye contact.

Hyunjae isn’t doing much better. He realizes he hasn’t said anything yet and scrambles to reply.

“Hey,” he echoes dumbly. He curses at himself internally. How much more awkward could that have sounded?

“I- How have you been?”

Hyunjae wants to scream at him. Wants to tell him how big of a mess he was after the break-up, how much it hurt, how angry he is at Juyeon for everything he said and did, for moving on so easily from him.

But he also wants to tell him how much he misses him, how much he still cares about him, how much he still loves him.

None of those thoughts make it out of Hyunjae’s mouth. Instead, he answers curtly, trying to seem nonchalant.

“I’ve been fine. How are you?” He fails miserably at trying to come over nonchalant. He cringes at how forced he sounds.

“That’s good, uh- yeah, me too”, is all Juyeon says but he seems to want to say more.

“I’ve-”

“You came with Changmin?”, Hyunjae interrupts him. He can’t help the question from falling from his lips, curiosity and something else – definitely not jealousy – seeping through.

“I- yes, I did.”

Juyeon doesn’t elaborate further than that, and Hyunjae can’t do this anymore. He can’t keep looking at the other, not when he’s feeling all of this anger, this hurt – but most of all, this longing.

The longing that clearly isn’t reciprocated.

“I need to-”, Hyunjae tries to think of an excuse but nothing comes out of his mouth, so he just leaves, not looking back to see the look of regret on the other’s face.

He needs some air. So he walks out of the door and he keeps walking until he’s almost a block away. He’s panting hard and tears are forming in his eyes.

He didn’t expect himself to be _this_ affected by the other. How can Juyeon still have this big of an effect on him, after all these months?

As his mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts, he doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching him.

“Hyung!”, he hears, and it’s unmistakably Juyeon’s voice. It’s all Hyunjae needs to break.

“What do you want!”, he just about screams at the other. Juyeon is clearly taken aback at Hyunjae’s outbreak, eyes full of emotions Hyunjae doesn’t have time for to decipher.

“I’m- I just wanted to see if you were okay. You left so suddenly…”

Hyunjae lets out an empty laugh, letting the tears stream freely down his face.

“I’m great, Juyeon! Can’t you see? I’m doing so well without you!”

He must look like a maniac, laughing and crying as he’s screaming at Juyeon.

“I’m sorry-”

“So you’re here with Changmin? Really? After accusing me of cheating on you? Meanwhile you’ve been pining after your roommate for how long?”

He knows he’s being unreasonable. He knows Juyeon didn’t cheat on him, didn’t even _think_ about dating anyone else while they were together. But the words are out of his mouth before he can think about what he’s saying.

“What? I’m not- we’re not _together_ , what the hell-”, Juyeon looks and sounds frustrated, frowning as he looks at Hyunjae disbelievingly.

“Just- You’ve hurt me enough, Juyeon, I can’t do this right now, _please_ just leave, _please-_ ”

Hyunjae is full on sobbing right now. He feels pathetic. This is _not_ how he imagined his reunion with Juyeon would play out.

Juyeon just looks at him with pity, regret, sadness – a whole range of emotions he’s not sure he wants to delve into right now. Not when his own emotions are all over the place themselves.

“I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

With that, Hyunjae turns around and walks away. This time, he makes sure to listen for footsteps. There are none.

-

Hyunjae feels like they broke up all over again. And he hates it.

He hates Juyeon.

_No, that’s a lie_ , he thinks bitterly.

He hates how Juyeon hurt him. He hates how much Juyeon still affects him. And most of all he hates the fact that he still loves Juyeon. That he probably never stopped loving him.

Groaning – again – he doesn’t hear Haknyeon walking over to his desk until he hears a low whistle.

“Rough night, huh?”, he asks with a smug look on his face, probably thinking Hyunjae had a little too much to drink the night before.

He doesn’t know that Hyunjae couldn’t sleep, that he hasn’t been able to sleep for days, mind full of Juyeon, their encounter replaying over and over again in his head, imagining all the ways he could’ve – should’ve reacted.

But he doesn’t need to know.

“You could say that”, he says vaguely, but Haknyeon seems satisfied with that answer, immediately moving on to the topic of lunch.

Hyunjae barely registers anything he’s saying, a familiar scene replaying in his head yet again.

-

“If you’re here to apologize _again_ then please leave,” Hyunjae says as a greeting as he opens the door to none other than his best friend.

“Can’t I come over to spend time with my dearest friend anymore?”, Younghoon scoffs before pushing his way in, ignoring the scandalous sound Hyunjae lets out. “I brought food, now sit down.”

Hyunjae just sighs and follows his friend’s orders. He’s hungry anyways.

They eat and not once does Younghoon bring Juyeon up. Hyunjae is thankful since Younghoon has not stopped apologizing for the whole fiasco at the engagement party.

Once Younghoon and Chanhee noticed he was gone, Juyeon must have told them _something_ , but certainly not the whole thing. Either way, they knew they had run into each other and it hadn’t been pretty.

“So you’re okay, right?”, Younghoon asks carefully after both their stomachs are fulfilled.

“I’m _fine_ , you don’t have to keep asking me. And you don’t have to feel so sorry for me all the time,” Hyunjae says casually, but he knows Younghoon can see right through his façade.

“That’s not what this is- I’m just worried, Hyunjae. You haven’t been yourself for a while and I thought it would just take some time but it’s been months now and you’re still- you’re clearly not okay. And whatever happened at the party didn’t help either.”

Younghoon’s eyes are kind and no trace of judgement can be found. The only thing Hyunjae sees is concern and he decides that maybe it would be good to confide in his friend this time. He’s been bottling everything up for too long. Maybe that’s why he broke down when he saw Juyeon.

So he tells him everything, from the moment he set foot inside the party to the moment he turned his back on Juyeon. Younghoon pays close attention, allowing him to let it all out. By the time he’s done, he’s surprised he isn’t crying yet. Younghoon just smiles sadly and looks conflicted on what to say.

“You know… They’re not together. Juyeon and Changmin, I mean. I don’t know if you want to hear that right now but Juyeon wasn’t lying when he told you they weren’t.”

Hyunjae doesn’t react. He already knows. Of course he does. It was just easier to be angry at Juyeon when he convinced himself that he was with Changmin.

“But you already knew that, didn’t you?”, Younghoon seems to be able to read his mind. Sighing deeply, Hyunjae just smiles sheepishly at his friend.

“When I saw him… I don’t know how to describe how I was feeling. I missed him. I _miss_ him. But seeing him all happy and laughing with Changmin… It made me feel like he’s completely over me while I’m absolutely- well while I’m still a mess,” he laughs eventually, finding himself pathetic once again.

“Do you still- Do you want him back?”, Younghoon asks, tone cautious but curious.

Does he? He misses the other but he’s also extremely angry at him.

_But you love him._

Hyunjae guesses he has his answer.

“I guess I- You know what, it doesn’t matter, even if I do, he-”

_He doesn’t want me_ goes unsaid.

The thought makes Hyunjae’s heart feel dark and empty.

“If he wanted to talk to you, would you let him?”, Younghoon asks him as a final question.

He doesn’t reply but they both know the answer.

-

Hyunjae doesn’t see or hear from Juyeon and it’s almost enough to make him forget about the other. The tiny sprinkle of hope he had of Juyeon reaching out to him goes down the drain and he just about accepts the fact that Juyeon really doesn’t want him anymore.

He’s out for lunch with Hyunjoon when he sees him.

Actually, it’s Hyunjoon who sees him first. His friend’s face hardens in the middle of his funny story, making Hyunjae look at him dumbfoundedly.

“I’m not sure if you want to see who’s here but-”

That’s all Hyunjae needs to hear before he snaps his head around.

Low and behold, there stands Juyeon in all his glory. This time, he’s alone.

It feels like déjà vu when Juyeon looks up and they make eye contact. Hyunjae turns back to Hyunjoon immediately, but seeing the look on his friend’s face, he knows that Juyeon is approaching them.

“Hey,” is all the other says. Hyunjae starts to feel like he’s at the party all over again. His brain shortcuts.

“Oh hi Juyeon, long time no see, huh?”, Hyunjoon replies when Hyunjae takes too long to answer.

Hyunjae tries to signal his friend to keep it nice but Hyunjoon pointedly ignores him.

Juyeon, surprised that Hyunjoon talked to him, widens his eyes and blinks at Hyunjoon for a second before giving him a tiny smile.

“Yeah, for sure…”, he trails off.

The atmosphere is extremely awkward and Hyunjae just wants to sink into the ground.

“So you two are…”, Juyeon starts, but he doesn’t finish his sentence, just making a vague motion with his hands.

“Yes we are, so if you’ll excuse us, we’d like to finish our lunch,” Hyunjoon says, making Hyunjae’s head snap up at him.

The implication of Hyunjoon’s words don’t fall silent on Juyeon either. When Hyunjae looks up at him, the look of disappointment is hard to miss.

“Oh, right, I’m sorry. I’ll leave you to it then. I- See you next time, hyung,” he says while avoiding Hyunjae’s eyes. He’s gone before either of the two can react.

As soon as he’s out of sight, Hyunjae smacks Hyunjoon’s arm.

“Hey!”, he says, rubbing his arm with a frown on his face.

“Don’t act like you don’t know what that’s for,” Hyunjae scoffs. At that, Hyunjoon smirks, making Hyunjae want to hit him again.

“That’ll teach him. Besides- don’t hit me again! As I was saying, don’t you think he deserves to feel like shit for a little while too? After everything he put you through? Let him have a taste of his own medicine. I know you saw the look on his face.”

Hyunjoon looks satisfied and Hyunjae, too tired to argue, just sighs. He wants to believe that his friend is right. He wants to feel satisfied knowing Juyeon probably feels hurt thinking he’s with Hyunjoon.

As he’s trying to convince himself of that, he ignores how his heart feels like it’s being ripped out from his chest.

-

He bumps into Juyeon again when he goes to Younghoon and Chanhee’s place and Juyeon leaves right when he arrives.

He seems to be bumping into Juyeon quite a lot lately.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see- Oh, hyung, hi.”

The surprise in Juyeon’s voice when he notices it’s Hyunjae is clear. Hyunjae too is so shocked that he doesn’t say anything for a couple of seconds.

Juyeon must have taken his silence for him not wanting to talk. He’s about to leave when Hyunjae stops him.

“Hey I just- I wanted to-”

Hyunjae panics. Why did he have to stop Juyeon? He doesn’t know what to say to him.

“I wanted to apologize,” he ends up blurting.

_Fuck_.

“Apologize? For what?”, Juyeon questions, his face full of confusion. _Cute_.

_Wait- what?_

“For Hyunjoon- no I mean- I wasn’t very talkative when you said hello, it was rude,” he stutters his way through a stupid explanation he’s making up as he goes.

“Oh, that,” Juyeon laughs uncomfortably, “It’s fine, really, you weren’t being rude. I’m sorry for interrupting your date. I hope- You deserve to be happy with him.”

Hyunjae can feel the pain in Juyeon’s voice when he says those words. So he didn’t imagine the look of disappointment on the other’s face the last time they saw each other after all.

“We’re not together if that’s what you’re thinking.”

He doesn’t know why he feels the need to explain- to make it clear to Juyeon that he’s _not_ seeing Hyunjoon. That he’s not seeing anyone for that matter.

“It’s okay, hyung, don’t worry-”

“No, I’m being serious. We’re not a thing,” Hyunjae interrupts impatiently, frustrated that Juyeon won’t believe him.

The feeling is familiar. But he shoves that thought away quickly.

“Okay,” is all Juyeon says.

Hyunjae waits, hopes that Juyeon will say something else. He doesn’t. They’re just standing in front of Younghoon and Chanhee’s door awkwardly and Hyunjae wants it to stop. So he mumbles out that he shouldn’t keep the couple waiting and Juyeon takes the hint to leave.

Hyunjae really wishes that he didn’t.

-

It’s Chanhee who calls an emergency meeting, claiming that he’s had enough of his best friends dancing around each other, miscommunication preventing them from properly interacting with each other.

“I tried to stop him,” is all Younghoon says to him before he’s being dragged to the couch and forcefully pushed down by Chanhee.

The man has a lot of strength in his tiny body.

“You,” he says loudly while pointing at Hyunjae, “are going to sit here and listen to me without interrupting me. Is that clear?”

Hyunjae can only nod at the authoritative tone Chanhee uses. The other is clearly not taking no for an answer.

“So Juyeon,” he starts. It’s all Hyunjae’s heart needs to start beating erratically.

“I know you still have feelings for him. And I know you have all these thoughts in your head about his feelings but the truth is- you never even properly talked to him about it. Don’t get me wrong, I totally blame Juyeon for this, that stupid idiot still can’t communicate properly-”

Chanhee looks as frustrated as he sounds, mumbling on about how idiotic Juyeon can be. When he notices Hyunjae’s face, he gets back on topic.

“Anyways- You know I’m right. You never heard his side of things fully and he never heard yours.”

“He doesn’t want me, Chanhee, I thinks he’s made that pretty clear”, Hyunjae scoffs, but his voice wavers slightly.

“I’m not saying you should get back together just like that, all I’m saying- Look, you clearly never got proper closure. I think you should talk to him – properly this time. You _both_ need the closure, or you’ll never be able to move on.”

Chanhee is almost out of breath at the end of his speech, having talked fast and animatedly. It renders Hyunjae speechless.

He never thought about it this way, but Chanhee’s right. _Closure_. They never had it. Maybe that’s exactly what he needs. Maybe then he’ll stop feeling like shit every time he sees Juyeon. Maybe then he won’t think about Juyeon every time he’s alone.

“I guess… you’re right”, he says eventually. Chanhee grins, clearly satisfied with himself, but Hyunjae can see the softness in his expression as well.

“I was hoping you’d say that. I told Juyeon the same thing. He needs a little longer to process my wise words-”, Hyunjae sees Younghoon roll his eyes at that, “-but you can expect a text from him soon.”

As if on cue, Hyunjae’s phone pings.

“That motherfucker had some great timing, I’ll give him that,” he hears Chanhee mumble, but the words fall silent to his ears.

All he sees is Juyeon’s name on his screen and a simple text asking him if they can talk.

He types out an answer with trembling fingers. When Juyeon’s answer comes withing seconds, his releases a breath he didn’t notice he was holding.

‘See you at 7.’

-

After a pep-talk by Younghoon and Chanhee (but mainly Chanhee), Hyunjae rushes back to his apartment to make it in time for Juyeon to arrive.

He overthinks everything and ends up cleaning up some of the mess, changing his outfit three times and redoing his hair twice.

_Don’t be so stupid_ , he huffs at himself, _it’s not like this is a date_.

Before he knows it, it’s almost seven o’clock and he’s basically a ball of nerves waiting for Juyeon. By the time he realizes he doesn’t even know what exactly he wants to talk about, Juyeon is already ringing his doorbell.

_Here goes nothing_.

He opens the door and their greeting is as awkward as ever. He invites Juyeon to sit on his couch and offers him a drink. When he comes back from the kitchen with two glasses of water, Juyeon is looking around his apartment.

“Your place is nice,” he says sincerely, and Hyunjae mumbles a small ‘thanks’, even pairs it with a smile.

Maybe he will survive this.

“So,” Juyeon starts awkwardly, “I guess Chanhee talked to you as well?”

Hyunjae huffs out a small laugh and Juyeon joins him, both very familiar with Chanhee’s tactics.

“I guess I owe you an explanation,” Juyeon says eventually, and Hyunjae just nods for him to continue.

“I thought you wanted to break up with me that day.”

Juyeon’s voice comes out small and fragile and Hyunjae’s heart just about breaks. He stops himself from comforting the other, wanting to give him the space to get everything out.

“I actually thought you wanted to break up with me for a while before that day. I know it was all just assumptions at that point but- I couldn’t help it. Hyunjoon-”

Juyeon seems conflicted as to how he should continue. Hyunjae keeps his expression neutral, waiting patiently for the other to get his thoughts together.

“You got along so well with him, I just started thinking that you looked so good together. That he’d be good for you. Better than me. And I know you never did anything with him, I know you’d never cheat on me. But at some point I was convinced that you’d be better off with him. So I guess that’s why I ended up assuming that you wanted to break up. I didn’t- I never wanted to break up with you. I want you to know that. I’m sorry, I really am…”

Juyeon trails off and Hyunjae knows he’s said everything he wanted to say. He pats the other’s leg, slightly startling him, but Juyeon quickly relaxes and smiles at him sadly.

“Thank you for telling me this. I never- I guess I also thought that you wanted to break up with me. You’d been so distant, I thought- I felt like I was losing you.”

His voice barely above a whisper, Hyunjae blinks his tears away. Juyeon looks like he wants to reach out but decides against it. Hyunjae is glad, he thinks he won’t be able to hold the tears in once Juyeon starts comforting him.

“And when you said you didn’t want to live together yet, I thought you were doubting our relationship. I thought you weren’t sure you wanted to be with me anymore. So when you broke things off it just- it was like my thoughts were confirmed. I didn’t call you over to break up with you. That was never my intention, I know you thought I did but that’s not true. And when you went along with it so easily, you didn’t even try to fix things-”

Hyunjae’s voice breaks. This time, Juyeon does reach out to hold his hand. It’s all Hyunjae needs to let the tears roll down his face.

“I thought you didn’t care”, he says eventually.

“I did. I do. I never-”, Juyeon immediately says, determination clear in his voice. “I’ve always cared. I just thought it was for the best for you,” he ends up saying.

“You just assumed, you didn’t even hear me out, and then you started accusing me of seeing Hyunjoon when you _knew_ he was just-”

“I’m sorry,” Juyeon interrupts, voice strained and eyes full of regret. “I’m so fucking sorry, I know I was wrong. I was an idiot.”

They’re both silent for a second before Hyunjae laughs, eyes still wet.

“So you’re telling me we broke up that day when neither of us even wanted to break up?”

He’s still laughing and Juyeon joins him for a couple of seconds, but once the laughter dies down, Hyunjae becomes painfully aware of how they’re still holding hands.

Juyeon notices Hyunjae’s eyes on their joined hands and sighs.

“I guess we were both idiots.”

Well, Hyunjae can’t argue with that.

_What now?_ Hyunjae thinks. So he asks Juyeon exactly that.

“I don’t know… I know I hurt you but I- I never stopped caring. I never stopped lo-”

Juyeon cuts himself off abruptly but Hyunjae knows what he was about to say. He stays silent for a second before giving into what his heart has been telling him for the past months.

“Me too,” he whispers, and Juyeon’s head whips up so fast he probably got a whiplash.

“Does that mean…”, Juyeon trails off. Hyunjae tightens his hold on Juyeon’s hand.

“I’m willing to try again if you are,” he says, looking right into Juyeon’s eyes to make it clear how serious he is.

Juyeon nods furiously, like he’s never been more certain of anything in his life.

“Of course, anything, I’d do anything for you. I swear I’ll never hurt you again. I promise, I-”

Hyunjae cuts him off with a hug. It effectively shuts Juyeon off and they melt into each other’s arms.

This time, Hyunjae doesn’t think that they’re okay. But he knows they will be.

So when he tells himself – and Juyeon – that they’ll be okay, that they’ll fix the cracks their relationship, he actually believes it.

After all, he’s certain they’re both better off _with_ each other.

**Author's Note:**

> As I wrote this the one question that kept floating through my mind was: how do people connect all the different scenes in their story? I feel like I’m just writing a bunch of random scenes and I never know how to go from one to the other TT And I never know how to properly end a story, I diverted back to my fluffy ways for that… Anyway! This definitely won’t be my last attempt at angst since I wasn’t that satisfied with it.
> 
> If you’ve made it this far, I want to thank you for reading!


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